When I was in my late teens and early 20’s it took almost nothing to cause me to lose it when things got tense between me and pretty much anyone. I’ve screamed my head off at my parents, said unbelievably hurtful things to friends and even once threw a phone at work {yikes!}.
I was never good at controlling my anger. It’s something that I felt I “learned” from my Dad, a notorious “fly off the handle” kind of guy when I was younger. When I got upset it wasn’t a normal kind of upset. It would be a feeling of boiling, hot, rising kind of anger. The kind that can blind you and your judgement causing you to do and say stupid things that you regret later.
Eventually I was able to change things but not before a slew of rocky relationships and interactions with everyone in my life. Looking back on it now and looking at the tools I have to keep myself under control and my relationships stellar it amazes me that someone didn’t teach me this stuff when I was a crazed and hormonal teenager; this way I might have avoided being a crazed and hormonal 20 something}.
Keep in mind that everything comes down to fear or love. Fear feeds fear and love feeds love. Anger and fear make ugly bedfellows. Stop yourself and ask;
How can I bring more love to this for everyone involved? Let love guide you.
1. KNOW YOUR TRUTH AND STAND BY IT… GENTLY
There are two big problems that surface when we get into angry fights and arguments with our loved ones. The first is not knowing our truth and the second is fighting for it tooth and nail. This is a bad combination.
Know what’s true for you, even when it isn’t true for those around you. Even fundamental differences are OK! If you want someone else to accept what you think, feel or believe you have to accept that they may have another view. Don’t fight for them to see things your way; be gentle and stand by your truth and accept that they have their truth as well.
2. YOU CAN’T CONTROL ANYONE BUT YOU
I’m reminded of this on a daily basis when I work with my clients. When you get angry at someone or your relationship is getting contentious, you have to remember that the only person you can control is you. You have 100% control over the way you respond, react and carry on the conversation. The more reactive you get, the more fuel you add to the fire.
3. IT’S OKAY TO WALK AWAY
You might think that walking away from a loved one and an argument is like saying you don’t care, but sometimes walking away and giving things time is better than forcing an ugly argument to fester and get worse. A breather, a better perspective and a new day are sometimes the cure of a relationship that is getting too heated. Sometimes this can be the biggest act of love you give both of you.
4. ACCEPT, LET GO AND HAVE GRATITUDE
Now that you have accepted things as they are it’s time to let go. Let go of the need to be right and the need to be understood. The other person doesn’t have to understand why you think or feel like you do, we just hope they will accept it and show you love as well. Love will guide you because love is acceptance.
Gratitude is the last step, which may seem a little difficult. Anger doesn’t last long where gratitude shines. Have gratitude for the challenges they present to you because these are opportunities for you to grow, to reassure yourself of who you really are and to learn how to gently stand firm in your authenticity. They may make you angry but even that is a chance for you to learn how to connect more to love, quell your anger and become more at peace with the differences between you and those you love.
No matter how complicated things get in any relationship, love can win out over fear and anger, if you keep your focus on controlling your reactions and finding more ways to have acceptance for the other person’s perspective. Before you know it, like is attracting like, and anger becomes love in no time.
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